This year has been nothing short of insanity. Messy, corrupted, dirty, playful, broken, hope-filled insanity. A cluster of mixed metaphors and contradicting emotions and thoughts. I have no real excuse for why I haven’t been writing. I seem to go through that cycle a lot. If you scroll through my posts. The internet does not lie, no matter how pretty I try and paint the picture. Sure my circumstance over the last few years has been overwhelming and unexpected, but by no means will I give my circumstance that power any more. I am taking back my power and the first step is admitting that I had the power to write and do all the things that give me life over the last few years, but I chose to let my joy lay with ashes, probably for longer than I should have.
Now, do not misunderstand me. I know exactly what the 2 ton truck of anxiety, depression and pity feels like when it is sitting on your chest. I know what it means to have your life moving in ways and directions that you cannot fathom or control. I swear I have seen the imagery in a movie at some point in time. The main character is standing still and everything is rushing around him in a psychedelic flurry. Not a rush of whimsy, but the type of spinning and rushing that evokes the sense of what it must feel like to be drowning. When life gets to that point, your body some times shuts down. Some times the vibrant part of you goes dormant so that the energy you have can be expelled on getting through each new day. I have been there.
I am blessed to be reclaiming my power and authenticity. I am blessed to be able to say that while circumstance took and took, I was a major player in handing over my reigns and direction to a faceless beast. Circumstance is “fact” more or less. What I did with those facts and how I operated under those facts was where my power went.
And here is where you should only read into what I write as having meaning for your own life if you can relate. If what I am saying makes you curl your nose and shrink away from your screen then the message may have not been intended for you. But maybe it was just intended for me. I responded to circumstance by taking all the things that make me “ME” and I hid them away, I buried them deep down. I convinced myself that they were foolish, childish, incompatible with the demands of “Real life” Like a scared child they whimpered in the dark, waiting for me to hear their sniffles. I heard them and I ignored them. I said “that time has passed, please be quiet now”. And as it would for anyone else, the whimpers of my dreams and loves held a terrible power, like water. Water is so power, it is life giving. Water that sits? That is also powerful. It brings mold and disease and rot.
Dreams that get buried do the same thing. Not out of spite. In the same way that a child who has been neglected or abused lashes out, begging for help and love and comfort and attention. Dreams that are silenced. That are tied up and tossed to the bottom of the sea… they are begging for the comfort and care that your heart once reserved especially for them alone.
So here I am today apologizing for how I have suffocated my light for what I accepted as the “easy way”. Here I am trying to turn the soil in my heart, trying to make something new and bring the seedling of my dreams back to life.
Life can really really suck. Like really suck. I know that better than most. But here is the thing. I am not typing today from the other side. I have not had any type of circumstantial “breakthrough”. My life is harder today than it was a year ago, and harder than the year before that and even harder than the year before that. I think many people look at my current circumstance and feel pity or sadness or anger or compassion or anxiety or fear or empathy. But here is the thing. Circumstance will always evoke some type of emotional response and often emotional responses will lead to actions or, equally important, non-action.
I am tired of living in regret. I do not desire to even talk any more about what I could have done different. I am acknowledging that I let my dreams feel scared and alone in a locked room. Whether it was intentional, self-preservation, or accidental. I did what I did. I own it. Just like I own the circumstance I am living in today. No, I am not to blame for what has happened or is happening to me, but I am sure as heck tired of giving the circumstance any more power than it deserves.
Circumstances are facts. And how do we live with and in those facts? Do we read the history books and state: This is how it was and so this is how it will always be. Do we allow circumstance to convince us of lies? Or allow it to play with our anxiety and suffocate our light? Honestly we probably do. And we probably will time and time again.
But that is not how we were meant to live. We were meant for abundant life. To live a life that accepts the reality of the visible and invisible world. To accept that things suck. That the world is not right. And to look directly into the face of whatever storm you are facing. Whatever overarching theme is pushing you down into perceived submission. To look that faceless beast in its stupid face and say… not today satan. Then let your light shine, let it burst forth with more power than the storm can handle. Let your passion and purpose break free and scream a wild and beautiful frantic war cry in that beasts empty face.
Your circumstance wants you to think that you are in a sinking ship. That the floor is crumbling beneath your feet. That is garbage. If you are still breathing, then your fight is incredibly far from over. Stop downplaying what it means to bear the image of the Divine Creator of All down to your very DNA. Whether you believe it or not in the moment, it does not change facts. Just like you cannot believe away your circumstance. Just like you cannot trick yourself into doing away with your dreams and purpose (not for long at least)… you cannot change who you are and whose you are. You cannot change that you are intimately adored and desired by the Creator of the Universe and you cannot change that it was written when you were in your mother’s womb that you are saturated with worth, power and strength. You have ALL the potential in the world sown into the fabric of who you are.
For me, I am choosing to reclaim my power. I am choosing to say that my dreams and strengths and loves are written into who I am. They give me life and purpose and they are meant to be a very small but vitally important influence in the healing and restoration of this world. Just like you and your dreams and strengths.
Today I am writing without worry about what people will think or how they will respond to this post. I let people’s opinions of me sway my actions. I tend to not act. Not today, though. Today I choose to act, even if tomorrow I crawl into my shell again, another day will come where I will declare my power again, even more boldly and earnestly. Today though I am standing in the light of victory. I hope you will stand with me and act.