I am a strong individual. Stronger than most. I do not mean to say that in a prideful or disrespectful manner, but if you know me then you understand in part what I deal with on a daily basis. I never look for pity or for it to be even noted, but in reality some days I need to just admit: “Hey, This is not easy”
This week has been a hard one for me. Unbearably hard at sometimes. I feel so broken, I have all week. I am scared. I am fearful, I do not know how I can stand strong like this. I cannot be me like this. I need relief, I need help. I want to cry.
It is so strange, I have not felt so right with God in so long, I have not felt so unstressed in months, I have not felt so eager for life in months… Yet here I am dealing with something I know not how to handle.
Apparently it is visible to other also. I was pulled aside tonight and asked bluntly what was wrong and why I haven’t been myself the last few days. I thought I was hiding it better than this, I guess not. My friend was concerned for me and asked in love and care what was going on. I had no choice but to be honest with him.
The one thing I hate more than a lot of things is allowing myself to burden others. I constantly am in fear that I am burdening those I care the most about with a weight they cannot and do not want to carry.
Even writing this post is sickening me. I hate that I need from others. I hate that I need so blatantly and so consistently. It is so hard some days and then I realize…I am not the only one who feels this way.
One of my dearest friends gave a talk tonight about sharing with those around them, sharing with community your brokenness as to be supported and to move towards healing.
I have known this for truth for a long time but it is so hard.
I am trusting God in all of what is happening, but I am not trusting him enough to allow myself to be weak. I need to be weak right now, and I need to be supported and I need to trust that being weak today is not the end of the world.
I need to admit that we are ALL weak and all in desperate need to be supported.
Turn to God first and then allow him to work through the Body. Through those who surround you day in and day out.