Sorry, is all I have to offer to my various readers from around the country.
I know why I have not been writing and it is simple yet complex enough to keep me frustrated. Even right now I am sitting up wide awake even though my body is exhausted and I am in the middle of a cage fight with my mind to find rest.
There are so many unknowns in my life right now, so much is wide open. That to me though is unbelievably stress inducing. Obviously I am excited about the opportunities that can and will assuredly come out of my unknowing. But there is still that ever-present nudge saying to me “This is out of your control, there is nothing you can do about it, your future is bleak”
Now I believe that this nudge is partially untrue. But the truth of it all is that there is plenty that is currently out of my control. There is nothing that I can plan, and I have no solutions. I have had an easier time this past week ignoring all this chaos and calamity in my life because I have had exciting things to look forward to: Easter with family, My 21st birthday, bonfires, trips to ocean cottages. But when all that is done where will I be?
It does not seem that I will have any answers to my precarious situations before all this fun is complete. What will I be feeling and thinking when I am no longer waiting for the inevitable but sitting awake at night staring at the ceiling while midst the inevitable.
That is my question and concern. Where will I be? How will I handle that? Well, honestly I do not have the answer to that.
I was working on some metaphors in class today to describe the feeling that I am currently experiencing: this battle with the unknown. This mind game that has been played. I wrote some interesting metaphors about cooking and painting but again I was not dragged even a centimeter closer to answers.
I am asking for patience daily and perseverance hourly. I think I will have to start asking for patience hourly as well. But this present storm in my life has distracted me thoroughly from writing. So for that I apologize. It just seems hard to write when I feel like I have such a loose grasp on what I am experiencing in life currently.
This is where trust comes from though right? We all have seasons of intense unknowing in our lives. For one reason or another, but this is just an especially intense season for me. But here is where I am being challenged to trust. That no matter what happens in the next two or three months, good will come out of it. I have to trust that none of this is pointless. And I do trust that.
Now I have to live it.
So as I am challenging myself to live a life committed to trusting God and His intentions for my life, I am also challenging you my readers. Trust, as hard as it may seem. Keep your chin listed high and continue grinding. Seek God’s will before and others. Drive forward into your passions and drives. Do not lose hope. It will be made good.
Thank you friends for continuing to read my blog. I am enthralled by the concept of rereading this blog in a year from now, when life will truly be getting intense and unknowns will be unbelievable.