I will not sit here and complain about how I have wronged myself and my God. I will instead deal with my inconsistencies.
I have no excuse and can only ask for forgiveness. How do I finally completely overcome these inconsistencies?
Is my selfishness worth corrupting others? Is it worth diluting the Truth? Is it worth deconstructing myself and masking my identity?
Every inconsistency that I allow will forevermore break down upon my ability to best serve Christ. Every moment I stumble is a moment that retracts from my understanding and credibility regarding love.
Do I truly desire to be a trusted carrier of God’s light? Then at what point do I desist acting in the self-gratifying nature that I currently lean on.
It takes seconds to slip up. I can plummet thousands of miles in one leap. This is no leap of faith though. This is a sad semblance of suicide. At least those who commit suicide leave behind a statement for all to bear. When I jump I land at the bottom. Broken into pieces yet still breathing. Achingly breathing. It takes months to recompose myself and to gather my strength to climb the summit once again. Then slipping becomes all the more common.
I am the destroyer of my own purpose. God’s Truth is something that I willingly toss to and fro. I examine it, I test it, I poke it. But do I ever submit to it?
I believe that I have this Truth in my being and that I can manipulate it with my hands. But when all is done I will see that the Truth all along was greater than I. The Truth was beyond all existence. It is. The essence of all things.
I struggle to recognize Truth when in reality it is Truth that struggles to recognize me. I have distorted my own being to such a degree that Truth has become a object, a state of being I am continuously stretching my hand forward to grasp. My inconsistencies have taught me that Truth is something I need to search for. Feverishly pursue.
Truly, though Truth is always free. It is constant and never confined. Our and My own finite perspectives fall short of ever comprehending Truth’s role in this world.
The overwhelming time I have spent believing lies has perverted me. It has left me on the outskirts of reality. Without Truth I am living in an a semblance of existence where I will never be satisfied. I will always be confined. Never will I be free to be who I was made to be.
The one and only true God has spoken directly to me. His voice has sanctioned my path. Here I sit, though, tediously interfering with existence as it was meant to be. I am first-handedly stripping the tapestry of life.
This is inexcusable and must be stopped. I know what I must do. Do it I must. Challenge myself. Feed into the strengths that God has gifted me with. Use those strengths to restore my perception of Truth. It is always there. It has never changed.
Only my eyes have been scaled over. The slime of the ages has penetrated my very mind and muddied my comprehension of all things. I must see existence for what it truly is. I must follow Christ. He must clean the dirt. He must light my way.
All of this is to be done so that my vision can be shared. My eyes put on loan. Giving others the chance to understand Truth.
No longer will inconsistencies define how and what I see.